Escaping Escapism: From Consuming to Scrolling to Being Current

“Sit with it. As an alternative of consuming it away, smoking it away, sleeping it away, consuming it away, or operating from it. Simply sit with it. Therapeutic occurs by feeling.” ~Unknown

I had no concept I had so many emotions till 4 years in the past. I grew to become sober and instantly began overflowing with feelings—feelings I by no means knew I had.

I ended consuming simply over a month after my twenty-fifth birthday, in January of 2021. I drank lots in faculty, typically going out Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights each week. As soon as I graduated, although, my consuming mellowed. I used to be nonetheless going out, however paying for my very own drinks (versus the free circulation of alcohol at a school celebration) pressured me to drink much less to save lots of extra.

Early in 2020, my consuming elevated once more as a result of being caught inside whereas in an disagreeable residing state of affairs. By the tip of 2020, although, I once more wasn’t consuming a lot—perhaps a glass of wine or two throughout the weekend. I used to be, nonetheless, smoking weed each day.

Hashish, a substance utilized by many to calm their nervousness, did the other for me. Every single day after work, I’d sit on the entrance porch and smoke a joint—by rain, snow, something. I liked the heady feeling of being excessive.

After I was excessive, I felt motivated to turn out to be a greater particular person (that motivation, nonetheless, lacked follow-up motion). I felt like a toddler once more, seeing all the things with marvel in my (droopy purple) eyes.

Whereas I loved the results of weed, I additionally felt my nervousness, an ever-present being in my psyche, slowly turn out to be extra intense. One harrowing evening, after being up for hours having panic assaults brought on by each alcohol and weed, I made the choice to strive sobriety.

I went into sobriety with no expectations. It was an experiment for me, though I had a hunch I used to be on the fitting path. Wouldn’t smoking assist my psychological well being? Would quitting consuming decrease my nervousness? I used to be about to seek out out.

I spotted that one thing modifications once you cease participating with dangerous substances, nearly like a swap slowly flips the much less mind-altering medicine are in your physique. Issues turn out to be clear, like taking off glasses you didn’t know you had been sporting. You notice issues and keep in mind issues, particularly belongings you didn’t anticipate. Ideas you had forgotten, reminiscences you thought you blocked, trauma you thought you had launched.

There’s one thing concerning the absence of something mind-altering within the physique that makes issues abundantly clear. In early sobriety, I found that the nervousness I assumed I used to be healed from was solely mendacity dormant.

I’ve had nervousness my total life; a few of my earliest reminiscences are of being anxious. I keep in mind beginning kindergarten nervous that my friends would make enjoyable of me for the way in which I chewed.

By January 2021, I assumed I had my nervousness beneath management. I used to be on the identical medicine I had began 9 years prior. I used to be going to remedy commonly. I used to be acquainted with the sensation of butterflies taking up my abdomen, the wash of warmth or chilly that will overtake me throughout a very anxious second.

I didn’t, nonetheless, know how you can handle my nervousness with none substances. The second I ended smoking each day, it felt like all of the suppressed nervousness got here to hang-out me. My legs had been consistently bouncing. My abdomen was consistently upset. My coronary heart was consistently pounding. I couldn’t go a day with out a minimum of an hour of panic assaults.

I used to be terrified and confused, pondering to myself, Shouldn’t I be feeling higher? I assumed I moved previous these intense emotions ages in the past.

With time, my panic assaults grew to become fewer and farther between. I realized to permit the emotions to circulation by my physique—my legs would finally cease bouncing, my abdomen would finally really feel regular, my coronary heart would finally return to its pure rhythm.

However I nonetheless unconsciously tried to seek out distractions. I drank caffeine, and I scrolled on social media. I learn a pile of self-help books with out taking any motion. Simply studying the ebook is sufficient to really feel profitable in self-improvement, proper? However actually, I used to be in the identical place as I used to be pre-sobriety. The one distinction was I used to be suppressing my emotions with social media as an alternative of the bottle or a joint.

Then I awakened at some point and acknowledged that social media was serving the identical objective as substances did. I’d stand up on the weekends feeling hungover, though I hadn’t drank the evening earlier than. I had, nonetheless, scrolled TikTok for an hour.

Getting off the bed after bingeing social media seems like getting off the bed after bingeing alcohol. I had stopped utilizing substances, however I hadn’t stopped doing all the things I may to get away from experiencing all the things occurring inside me.

As soon as I had this realization, I attempted, desperately, to course of my feelings, to really feel my emotions, however the lure of TikTok was so robust. I’d inform myself solely 5 minutes however can be in the identical place an hour later with a stiff neck, berating myself for bingeing TikTok but once more.

Escapism was screaming in my ear, and it was so, really easy to present in. Reaching for a telephone takes a second; processing an emotion takes minutes. Which one is less complicated? Which one is extra helpful? Which one will make me really feel higher?

I used to be caught on this cycle of eager to be in contact with my emotions, of eager to embrace life, however regularly falling into the lure of 1 dependancy or one other as a result of it’s Simply. So. Simple.

Our telephones had been designed to suck us in and rewire our brains to make use of them to flee our lives. And regardless of how a lot I acknowledge that and the way a lot I wish to be totally current each day, I can’t appear to cease attempting to disregard my emotions.

Every single day after I get dwelling from work, I ‘decompress,’ utilizing my thirty minutes of allotted TikTok time curled up on the sofa. I do really feel refreshed after, however I can’t assist however assume, how shut are we to residing within the spaceship from Wall-E? How quickly will all of us be so glued to expertise we’ll be bodily allergic to human emotion?

When there have been talks of TikTok getting banned within the US, individuals had been freaking out. Influencers who make their revenue on the app had been posting movies on the place else they might be discovered. Individuals had been revealing secrets and techniques—some influencers even admitted to constructing their platforms on lies.

When did we turn out to be so depending on an app? How have we gone from dial-up web to tiny computer systems in our pockets that we are able to use anytime, wherever in the middle of my lifetime? And why are social media apps designed like casinos—to present us little dopamine hits right here and there to maintain us engaged and addicted?

After I phrase it like that, social media may be simply seen as evil. Nevertheless, social media has additionally achieved lots of good.

I’ve used TikTok to seek out recommendations on managing nervousness, on curing migraines, and exercises.

Individuals have donated the cash they’ve made to good causes—to rebuilding Asheville after Hurricane Helene, to Deliberate Parenthood, and to purchase college lunches for kids.

Unknown authors, singers, and comedians have gained followers and recognition.

How can one thing that’s achieved a lot good be so unhealthy on the similar time? How will we, as people with pleasure-seeking brains, reconcile this dichotomy? I commonly have this dialog with my therapist, as I acknowledge how far I’ve come.

It took two years of sobriety for me to WANT to acknowledge my emotions. Though I had been in remedy on and off since I used to be a toddler, my remedy grew to become way more efficient post-sobriety.

I felt like I used to be on the quick monitor to therapeutic, like earlier than I had been dragging my ft with my therapist, and now we had been operating collectively like athletes. It nonetheless took some time, nonetheless, to show away from escapism and embrace my inside world.

It’s taken one other two years to begin changing into conscious of each time I flip to one among my vices. Life is so busy that it’s straightforward for me to go every week consuming caffeine each day, or extending my TikTok display time for fifteen extra minutes 4 occasions in a row.

It’s taken years of constructing information of what makes me really feel good (for actual) and what makes me really feel like substances used to—good for a second, unhealthy for some time.

I like studying, and I all the time really feel refreshed after taking a while out of my day to learn. Listening to music can all the time put me in an excellent temper. How lengthy is it going to take for me to completely let go of expertise, of dampening my feelings to keep away from unpleasantness? Will I ever discover peace?

Had somebody informed me 4 years in the past I’d be writing concerning the similarities between substances and social media, I’d’ve laughed and mentioned, “They’re each so enjoyable; they make my life higher!” However that’s dependancy, isn’t it? Even for those who don’t have “an issue,” trying to exterior sources to your happiness will all the time finish in struggling.

Though sobriety hasn’t solved my want to flee, I do really feel lots higher than earlier than, and I proceed bettering each day. Over time, I’ve realized to simply accept and sit with my feelings. I do know that all the things will move, even essentially the most disagreeable emotions.

4 years in, I lastly perceive that vices are a strategy to run away from emotions. I could by no means completely escape escapism, however so long as I proceed attempting to decide on presence and consciousness, that must be sufficient.